Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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