4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
