She went from zero to smokin in five shots
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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