I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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