There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Randomize
