You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
