We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
