she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
