I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
