Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
