eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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