So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you traded sex for a burrito?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
