My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Never underestimate the power of titties
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