At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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