singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
