He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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