your thong is hanging out like whoa
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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