He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
