I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
