R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
