i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
