i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
