my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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