Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
