You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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