Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
