Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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