I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
