i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Randomize
