somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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