I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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