apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
