I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
its liver damage thursday
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
