If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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