Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
