my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
