I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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