you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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