apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
