If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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