I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
