Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
