My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
