Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
