why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
