sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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