he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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