i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We left the knife in your bed.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I have feelings that need drinking.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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