just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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