Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
