Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Randomize
