Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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