I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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