I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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